Nine years ago I was at the end of what I would later recognise as the most abusive relationship of my life. Of course, I didn’t realise that at the time. And in fact it took me many years and many discussions to realise the extent of the abuse. There have been many times when I’ve talked about that relationship and been met with open mouthed shock at things I thought were normal.
I remember the first time someone gently said to me “Darling, that was textbook abusive”. It took me a very long time to accept. I knew I went into that relationship happy and confident, and left it insecure and spiralling anxiety and depression. But I’d suffered anxiety and depression all my life, hadn’t I? I know that during the relationship I acted in ways I remain ashamed of to this day. I originally thought it was that shame that drove the changes in me.
Today, one of my brothers told me a story from just after the end of the relationship. My brothers J and D, and J’s partner N had gone to some Karaoke night. (I vaguely remember this. In fact it may have been N’s birthday, and I have a feeling I’d been there for the beginning of the night and left early. Beside the point really.) Apparently the ex, AA, had been making snide remarks about me all evening. Now D never liked AA, he felt he was a smug self-satisfied intellectual snob. And to be fair that’s a fairly accurate description. So this night AA was turning his ire on me, and D was casually poking him and encouraging him to see if he would expose his true feelings. AA apparently took the bait, and laid in about how I had made a huge mistake by leaving him. I would never do as well as I had with him. He had lowered his standards so much for me. I had no idea how much he done for me and my kids.
Over the years I’ve really questioned myself and my perception of how bad that relationship really was. I know that I have a tendency to blacklist people. I don’t just burn bridges, I nuke them from orbit. I’m trying hard to change that about myself, but I know it’s a part of me. So when I look back at this pivotal relationship with a man I’d been friends with for more than a decade prior, I can’t help but wonder if I have coloured the relationship negatively to ease my guilt. But right now I’m realising that his ongoing contempt for me coloured our relationship negatively.
Every time I think I’ve dealt with the immense pain of this relationship and its ending, something happens to bring the pain back into sharp focus. For the longest time the pain was about my feelings of inadequacy. I honestly felt that if I was better our relationship would have worked. For our entire relationship he told me that I was the reason things were bad. All the issues in our relationship were my fault. I am fairly certain that he used me as a scapegoat with his friends.
But now I’m not sure what the pain is about. Is it merely sadness for a younger me who diminished herself to assuage a petty man’s overweening ego?